don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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