shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
