I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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