I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
