think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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