dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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