Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
