i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
