so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm too high and old for this...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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