Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
