We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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