I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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