Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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