In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
