She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
