You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
