DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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