I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
