I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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