took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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