you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
