Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
