We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
