booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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