He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my shit smells like andre
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
