When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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