Barsexuality is the new black.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
