The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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