no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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