i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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