i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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