He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
dude. I can hear the air.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
