My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize