I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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