she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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