Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
