I think I died a long time ago.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
