Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
