Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
