best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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