I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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