it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
