I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pants are for mortals
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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