My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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