i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
