Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dignity is for republicans.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
