I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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