I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
