i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
