I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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