I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
