What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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