Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
