how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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