My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
