a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
