Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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