I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
