Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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