Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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